We're falling for it

At the exact moment I was born (as in slipped out covered in amniotic fluids into the hands of a doctor), there was I and me.

Myself hadn't exactly come around.

That would take another 10-15 years or so.
10-15 years of trying to figure out this life, figuring out that my legs weren't good for athletics, but not too bad in competitive cycling. Figuring out that i could play the guitar, but not too well. Figuring out that I was probably suited to being a loner. Although I always wished to be part of something.

And then adulthood struck. (Yes - that's just at 16, but that's when the white hair appeared).

It's hard. Knowing  what I did early on. Beginning to realise my intuition was actually right about a lot of things. Truth doesn't hurt. It rips you apart - but if you let it, it puts you back together in a different way from where you started.

My intuition has been buzzing ever since. Louder and clearer, it's hard to tell me a lie. I have too many questions to make someone uncomfortable. And it shows. I can't ignore what shows up in front of me.

Although I tried to ignore. Like what it actually feels like to be crazy. To be so taken by somebody you don't have a reason. To be so catatonic, I couldn't reach out and show what I meant. To be lame, weak and spongelike. Not to do, say or behave the way that's normally considered the norm.

But normal? I've never been that.
Fantastic? That's last description I would be given.
Normal isn't even beginning to reach me.

I've wondered. And wondered hard. Dreamed more. Wished upon countless stars. And still, all I have is this realisation.

We've all been screwed. By advertising in one way or another, probably. Or by the many books, people, institutions and social whirls, we've been told. By other people, by experience or by personal momentary lapeses of reasons. They all tell us what its like to be in love. In lust. In the I-love-you-as-a-friend but not more. In ... fatuated. You think you know it inside, but really?

Truly, 70 year-old lovey-dovey couples have gone beyond. They've found the real secret. They probbaly found the thing that matters most to them, let go for the ride and made it the centre of everything that matters.

And sure, it's different for everyone.

It's all in belief. In the willingness to be wrong. In the huge gamble that is life. You might be wrong. You might be right. But if you rely on the same measurements as you did before, you'll be wrong all over again.

Really, as ironic as it seems, advertising does have the answer. If it didn't work out before, why is it going to work now?

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Why?

Why did it have to be this way?
Why did the wind blow the other way?
Why can't things go my way?
For once, just for one-tenth of once.

Is this a big deal?
No, most would say.
Get over it, and grow up.
Yea. Only if you could feel what i do.

Enough with the bull.
Enough with the chicken.
Enough with the pig.
(Although it's mighty tasty roasted.)

The truth will save you.
The truth will shave you.
Bare of any pretences.
Slick and shiny and free of the world.

I remember simpler days.
Looking up at the sky and dreaming.
Of what could be and what might be.
Wow - has that just slipped away?

Someoday.
One day.
In the future.
Or now.

It's all up to us.

One more time

Laugh one more time.
Laught at my ears, my nose my hair.
Laugh one more time at my lack of social grace.
Laugh all you want.

Poke fun at whatever you fancy.
Poke fun at a cynical stare.
Poke fun at a seemingly anal question.
Poke fun because - it's worth a laugh.

Ignore whatever you want.
Ignore whatever you can't get from anyone.
Ignore what you're worth.
And sell out for the material sutff.

Make Gods out of want you want.
Make Gods out of what you think you deserve.
Make Gods out of nothing at all.
Make a God out of your (perceived) power over someone else.

Lie. Lie often. Lie everyday.
No-one will catch you. Or so you think.
You're so slick you'll never get caught.
You're so slick you've been seen through since day one.

Mock the living.
Mock hope.
Mock love.
Mock yourself.

Make tomorrow what you want.
Make tomorrow anyting at all.
Make tomorrow your dream.
Make tomorrow a thing someone else decides for you.

Try to lie one more time.
Try it again and again.
Think you're getting away with it.
It's a nice illusion anyhow.

Everyone sees.
Everyone understands.
Everyone (almost) forgives.
Where do you stand?

You've got to get it all together.
You got stuck in a moment.
And you can't get out of it.
You got caught stealing lyrics from U2.

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Is the universe deaf?

In so many ways, i've been clear.
So many times, in so many various expressions.
Over and over, in words and thought and deed.
But still, it's mistaken for something else.

Its mistaken for something shallow.
Something passing, like a fleeting physical touch.
Stolen from a moment, never returned ...
but without the realisation of where it came from.

Maybe I'm mistaken.
Maybe I should speak up.
Louder.
Clearer.

But a feeling inside is hoarse.
Nothing escapes, except for mumbles.
And apologies.
And the muttering of more under-the-breath mumbles.

And tiredness and resignation
and despair and tiredness and
a tired mind and dimmed inner light
AND a tiredness prevails.

What a waste.
Could have been beautiful.
Should have been beautiful.
Might have been beautiful.

Why isn't the universe listening?
Perhaps it's deaf.
Perhaps it's tired of listening.
Perhaps it's tired of listening to me.

Maybe someday,
she will, it will, the idea will,
stay and make a home,
and make it a place to be.

A place, decided and not in between,
for even alone is a place.
But a place somewhere.
Decided and sure and happy.

Maybe I should be clearer one more time.
One more attempt at being sure.
Loved. Secure. And in a somewhat floating state of control.
Maybe one more time.

Some time or other,
the universe has to remove the earplugs.
And hear what has been plainly spoken.
And make a decision if i should have it or not.

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You need a new browser

It's free.
It works faster than the old one.
It seems 'lighter' than the old one. (can a programmer explain?)
It does more.
It's free.
It's Firefox 3. At mozilla.com, if you can get in.

So on the net, they suspend the laws of physics and finance to do the impossible. Looks like the real-world, real-money companies have a lot more to do to keep up.

All's not too bad though.

Pressure can break anything.

Or make you exceed outdated goals.

It'll be a fun ride.

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Deserving and earning

I deserve:

The feeling that comes when you make someone smile.

The full benefit of intuition that comes with patience: I have spent much time observing.

Making my own mistakes; and carrying the burden it brings.

To try something new everyday - a new way of working, leading, following, listening.

To make an actual difference in the world - I'd hate to just take up space. Lord knows I already use too many plastic bags.

To find the actual difference I can make. Seriously, this one is difficult. Easy to say, hard to do and even worse to do consistently.

To be calmer. I've seen enough - so why do simple things raise my hackles? Why do I even have hackles?

To be able to pick up the ball, when its been dropped over and over.

To do the things I love and to get them right.

To be needed.

To find something I love.

To find something that loves me back.

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Experience IS bollocks. Part 2

There are places where experience counts. But I have to ask, is it really 20 years of experience or just 3 years of experience and 17 years of repeating that experience over and over?

How many times have I stepped into work and said, no problem - i've done this for a while now and its a simple process. It's much harder to step in, look at everything with fresh eyes then try to do something that's never been done before.

Sure the chances of failure are high. And of course, safe has always been popular. Unfortunately, one of my tomorrows won't want the same old safe thing anymore.

It's like being between a rock and a hard place. So i'll pick my risks, and go in with my eyes wide open. At the very least, it's going to be a fun ride.

And I'm not too worried. Because everyone's worrying about the same thing already.

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